"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds."
Hugh Elliott
For in Christ Jesus...the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
Galatians 5:6
I heard an awesome story the other day about a story in John C. Maxwell’s book- The 21 Indisputable Qualities of a Leader. It goes like this.
During the second half of the nineteenth century, two strong view for leadership of Great Britain’s government: William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli. The two politicians were intense rivals. You can detect how they felt about each other, based on a comment made by Disraeli: “The difference between a calamity and a misfortune? If Gladstone fell into the Thames River, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity.”
Many people believe Gladstone, leader of the Liberal Party for three decades, personified the best qualities of Victorian England. A career public servant, he was a great orator, a master of finance, and a staunchly moral man. He was prime minister of the United Kingdom four different times, the only person in the nation’s history to achieve that honor. Under his leadership, Great Britain established a national education system, instituted parliamentary reform, and saw the vote given to a significant number of people in the working classes.
Benjamin Disraeli, who served twice as prime minister, had a different kind of background. In his thirties, he entered into politics and built a reputation as a diplomat and social reformer. But his greatest accomplishment was masterminding Great Britain’s purchase of shares in the Suez Canal.
Though both men accomplished much for Britain, what really separated them as leaders was their approach to people. The difference can be best illustrated by a story told by a young woman who dined with the two rival statesmen on consecutive nights. When asked her impression of them, she said “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in all of England. After sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.” Disraeli possessed a quality that drew people to him and made them want to follow him. He had charisma.
Maxwell explains that the key to charisma is other-centeredness, putting the other person first. That’s also the chief characteristic of agape, God’s kind of love.
This is a passage a senior pastor at my church wrote for his Valentine’ Day Sermon entitled Can A Single Not Have A Date And Still Feel Love?
I have tried judgment and I’ve tried forgiveness. Forgiveness is better but there’s a problem. I don’t get to decide what the other person’s penalty is. I don’t get to decide how long they suffer. I have to be open to loving them and spending time with them. They get a better deal than they deserve and sometimes that irritates me. It requires that I trust God with the outcome. I have to let go to do that and letting go puts my selfishness to death. I don’t like the personal pain.
There are advantages. God really is a better judge than me. He sees the big picture clearer than I do. When I forgive, He forgives me. When I release the judgment, I am released. But my selfishness has to die for me to do it and I don’t like the pain.
I have tried lust and I have tried purity. Purity is better but lust has its advantages. Doing something secret has a strong pull. If I could fly and there was a rule against flying, I would still be sorely tempted to fly. Ah, the thrill of flying. There’s a similar thrill to doing something and not getting caught. The high of secrecy.
Beyond that, lust involves theft. I take someone else’s beauty or privacy or intimacy even though it is not mine or it’s not God’s time. I justify it because it makes me feel good or it satisfies my curiosity or it makes me feel like a little God, writing my own rules, determining my own time table, doing my own thing! Sure, it’s selfish; it’s all about me. I if I can find another selfish, secretive person who’s willing to share the crime with me, it seems totally okay, at least for the moment.
The downside is guilt and stress and the fear of being caught or exposed. But purity tells me to wait and I don’t want to wait.
Purity is best. It’s honest. It’s “Walking in the light.” It’s guilt free. It develops my character. It builds a firm foundation. It pleases god. It produces fruit. It leaves a great heritage. And, it leads to the favor of God. In the end I find out that His timing is better than mine even though I didn’t believe that on the front end.
Jeremiah 2:13 says “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug cisterns, broken cisterns that can not hold water.”
The enemy says, “You know what you want. You know what you need. You have every right to go for it. Dig your own cistern, your own storage facility. Judge whoever you choose. Lust after whoever you please. Eat whatever satisfies you. Do it as often as you can get by with it. If you get caught, it was worth it. You only go around once; grab for all the gusto you can get!”
The Lord says, “I created you. I have a destiny for you. I will give you the wisdom and grace to fulfill it. I have sent the Holy Spirit to intercede for you. I will test you but only to develop your character and maturity. I will lead you through dark places. Remember, I will go with you. Your enemies will surround you but I will serve a lunch for you right in the middle of them.”
The Greeks called the two types of love Eros, sensual attraction, and agape, other-centered love. Eros offers guilt pleasure, short term satisfaction; yes, the bill comes due and it’s at a very high price. In addition, God resists us. We seek our own picture of destiny and it is characterized by one night stands, an alcoholic buzz, followed by a hangover, stolen pleasures, followed by painful consequences, life that hopefully ends on Earth we won’t be prepared for eternity.
Agape offers joy when I don’t feel happy, guilt-free living, eternal reward, and God’s favor. He unfolds our destiny. It is characterized by life long commitment, healthy living, walking in the light, and God’s blessing. That life does not end on Earth because it prepares you for eternity.
However, agape is tough love. It requires that I trust God, that I seek His wisdom, that I rely on the Holy Spirit, that I seek healing, that I forgive and be forgiven, and I develop patience.
What about the question, “Can a single feel love and not have a date?” It all depends. If your goal is selfish satisfaction, you probably need someone, a certain someone, to respond to what gives you pleasure, to speak your love language-gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service-or possibly, all five. Your strategy may be co-dependant, a willingness to satisfy the other person’s self-centered desires. It may be fantasy, a willingness to believe that whatever brings you pleasure is therefore okay.
If your goal is agape, you’ll ask God to direct you to love in ways that please Him and that fulfill your destiny on Earth. You will do this out of faith, a belief that He will reward you in His way and on His timetable. This is God’s promise. “Don’t grow weary in doing well. You will reap in due season if you don’t faint!” The harvest He promises might be gifts, quality time, intimacy, words of affirmation, or acts of service. It might be His smile of approval. It might be enrolling you in a curriculum that will develop your character. And all of this will sometimes feel good right away and sometimes later.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Life or Death?
"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."
Bertolt Brecht (1898 - 1956)
They were there for breakfast, and they were there to cheer New York Jets running back Curtis Martin. And it was Martin who received the Athletes in Action Barr Starr Award Saturday morning. But the hundreds of people who gathered in the fourth floor ballroom at the Marriott Renaissance in Detroit, Michigan on the morning before Super Bowl XL were clearly touched by the featured speaker.
That speaker was the Colts Head Coach, Tony Dungy.
Two hours in to the breakfast, emcee Brent Jones introduced Dungy, who was welcomed with a lengthy standing ovation. Dungy thanked the crowd, then adding with a laugh, “I just wish I wasn’t here in this capacity so many times of being just that close to being in the game and just being invited as a speaker. My goal is to have our team here one day and have a couple of tables with all of our guys here. Because we have a special group of young men, a great group of Christian guys. It would be wonderful to have them here so you could see their hearts and what they are all about.”
“It hasn’t quite happened yet. But we are still hoping one day it will.” He told them he was going to talk about lessons he had learned from his 3 sons. The crowd fell silent. Then Dungy spoke.
Although this was a breakfast-and although at many such events speakers speak over the clinking of glasses and murmurs from semi-interested listeners, for most of 15 minutes the room was silent except for Dungy’s voice.
He spoke of his middle son, Eric, who he said shares his competitiveness and who is focused on sports “To where it is almost a problem.” He spoke of his youngest son, Jordan, who has a rare congenital condition which causes him not to feel pain. “He feels things, but he does not get the sensation of pain.”
The lessons learned from Jordan, Tony Dungy said, are in many. “That sounds like it’s good at the beginning, but I promise you its not, we have learned a lot about pain in the last five years we have had Jordan. We have learned some hurts are really necessary for kids. Pain is necessary for kids to find out the difference between what is good and what’s harmful.”
Jordan, Dungy said, loves cookies. “Cookies are good, but in Jordan’s mind, if they are not good out on the plate, they are even better in the oven. He will go right to the oven when my wife’s not looking, reach right in, take the rack out, take the pan off the rack, burn his hands and eat the cookies and burn his tongue and never feel it. He does not know it is bad for him.”
“Jordan has no fear of anything, so we constantly have to watch him,” Dungy said, “The lesson learned is simple. You get the question all the time., ‘Why does the Lord allow pain in your life? Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is a God of love, why does he allow these hurtful things to happen?’
“We’ve learned that a lot of times because of pain, that little temporary pain, you learn what’s harmful. You learn to fear the right things. Pain sometimes lets us know we have a condition that needs to be healed. Pain inside sometimes lets us know that spiritually we are not quite right and we need to be healed and that God will send that healing agent right to the spot. Sometimes, pain is the only way that will turn us kids back to the Father.”
Finally…he spoke of his son James.
James Dungy, Tony Dungy’s oldest son, committed suicide three days before Christmas of 2005. As he did while delivering James’ eulogy in December, Dungy spoke of him eloquently and steadily, speaking of lessons learned and of the positives taken from the experience.
“It was tough, and it was very painful, but as painful as it was, there were some good things that came out of it.”
Dungy spoke at the funeral of regretting not hugging James the last time he saw him, on Thanksgiving of last year. “I met a guy the next day after the funeral,” Dungy said. “He said, ‘I was there. I heard you talking. I took off work today. I called my son. I told him I was taking him to the movies. We’re going to spend some time and go to dinner.’ That was a real, real blessing to me.”
Dungy said he has gotten many letters since James’ death relaying similar messages. “People heard what I said and said, ‘hey, you brought me a little close to my son,’ or, ‘you brought me a little closer to my daughter.’ “What a tremendous blessing.”
Dungy also said some of the James’ organs were donated through donor programs. “We got a letter back two weeks ago that two people had received his corneas, and now they can see, that’s been a tremendous blessing.”
Tony spoke of a letter he received from a girl that attends the family’s church in Tampa. She had known of James for many years. She went to the funeral because she knew James.
“When I saw what happened at the funeral, and your family and the celebration and how it was handled, that was the first time I realized there had to be a God. I accepted Christ into my life and my life’s been different since that day.” Dungy said “That was an awesome blessing, so all of those things kind of made me realize what God’s love is all about.”
Dungy was asked often how he was able to return to the Colts so quickly after a James’ death. James died on December 22nd, and Dungy returned to the team one week later. Dungy said the answer was simple. “People asked me, ‘How did you recover so quickly? I told them I am not totally recovered. I don’t know that I will ever be. It is still very, very painful, but I was able to come because of something one of my good Christian friends said to me after the funeral.” “He said, ‘You know James accepted Christ into his heart, so you know he’s in heaven, right?’ I said, ‘Right, I know that’ He said, ‘So, with all you know about heaven, if you had the power to bring him back now, would you?’ When I thought about it, I said, ‘No, I wouldn’t. I would not want him back with what I know about heaven.’
That’s what helped me through the grieving process. Because of Christ’s spirit in me, I had that confidence that James is there, at peace with the Lord, and I have the peace of mind in the midst of something that is very, very painful. That’s my prayer today, that everyone in this room would know the same.”
Written by John Oeshner. “NFL Insider”-Feb. 2006 at www.colts.com
This is a powerful message I received about the ex-football coach for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and current Super Bowl Champion head coach for the Indianapolis Colts, Tony Dungy. He is an amazing man and a wonderful inspiration for our society. His view on death is very similar to mine. I have never been totally devastated by someone dying. I always ask myself, “Why am I sad? I am truly a believer, I should be rejoicing.” Now don’t get me wrong. Death is difficult but it is only difficult for selfish reasons. You will miss that person in your life because of how they are not there any longer. You are not rejoicing because they are finally free and home. It still hurts though because you know they are gone from your life forever. Bitter sweet.
You deserve the ring Tony! You are an
inspiration and icon for masculinity!!!
Bertolt Brecht (1898 - 1956)
They were there for breakfast, and they were there to cheer New York Jets running back Curtis Martin. And it was Martin who received the Athletes in Action Barr Starr Award Saturday morning. But the hundreds of people who gathered in the fourth floor ballroom at the Marriott Renaissance in Detroit, Michigan on the morning before Super Bowl XL were clearly touched by the featured speaker.
That speaker was the Colts Head Coach, Tony Dungy.
Two hours in to the breakfast, emcee Brent Jones introduced Dungy, who was welcomed with a lengthy standing ovation. Dungy thanked the crowd, then adding with a laugh, “I just wish I wasn’t here in this capacity so many times of being just that close to being in the game and just being invited as a speaker. My goal is to have our team here one day and have a couple of tables with all of our guys here. Because we have a special group of young men, a great group of Christian guys. It would be wonderful to have them here so you could see their hearts and what they are all about.”
“It hasn’t quite happened yet. But we are still hoping one day it will.” He told them he was going to talk about lessons he had learned from his 3 sons. The crowd fell silent. Then Dungy spoke.
Although this was a breakfast-and although at many such events speakers speak over the clinking of glasses and murmurs from semi-interested listeners, for most of 15 minutes the room was silent except for Dungy’s voice.
He spoke of his middle son, Eric, who he said shares his competitiveness and who is focused on sports “To where it is almost a problem.” He spoke of his youngest son, Jordan, who has a rare congenital condition which causes him not to feel pain. “He feels things, but he does not get the sensation of pain.”
The lessons learned from Jordan, Tony Dungy said, are in many. “That sounds like it’s good at the beginning, but I promise you its not, we have learned a lot about pain in the last five years we have had Jordan. We have learned some hurts are really necessary for kids. Pain is necessary for kids to find out the difference between what is good and what’s harmful.”
Jordan, Dungy said, loves cookies. “Cookies are good, but in Jordan’s mind, if they are not good out on the plate, they are even better in the oven. He will go right to the oven when my wife’s not looking, reach right in, take the rack out, take the pan off the rack, burn his hands and eat the cookies and burn his tongue and never feel it. He does not know it is bad for him.”
“Jordan has no fear of anything, so we constantly have to watch him,” Dungy said, “The lesson learned is simple. You get the question all the time., ‘Why does the Lord allow pain in your life? Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is a God of love, why does he allow these hurtful things to happen?’
“We’ve learned that a lot of times because of pain, that little temporary pain, you learn what’s harmful. You learn to fear the right things. Pain sometimes lets us know we have a condition that needs to be healed. Pain inside sometimes lets us know that spiritually we are not quite right and we need to be healed and that God will send that healing agent right to the spot. Sometimes, pain is the only way that will turn us kids back to the Father.”
Finally…he spoke of his son James.
James Dungy, Tony Dungy’s oldest son, committed suicide three days before Christmas of 2005. As he did while delivering James’ eulogy in December, Dungy spoke of him eloquently and steadily, speaking of lessons learned and of the positives taken from the experience.
“It was tough, and it was very painful, but as painful as it was, there were some good things that came out of it.”
Dungy spoke at the funeral of regretting not hugging James the last time he saw him, on Thanksgiving of last year. “I met a guy the next day after the funeral,” Dungy said. “He said, ‘I was there. I heard you talking. I took off work today. I called my son. I told him I was taking him to the movies. We’re going to spend some time and go to dinner.’ That was a real, real blessing to me.”
Dungy said he has gotten many letters since James’ death relaying similar messages. “People heard what I said and said, ‘hey, you brought me a little close to my son,’ or, ‘you brought me a little closer to my daughter.’ “What a tremendous blessing.”
Dungy also said some of the James’ organs were donated through donor programs. “We got a letter back two weeks ago that two people had received his corneas, and now they can see, that’s been a tremendous blessing.”
Tony spoke of a letter he received from a girl that attends the family’s church in Tampa. She had known of James for many years. She went to the funeral because she knew James.
“When I saw what happened at the funeral, and your family and the celebration and how it was handled, that was the first time I realized there had to be a God. I accepted Christ into my life and my life’s been different since that day.” Dungy said “That was an awesome blessing, so all of those things kind of made me realize what God’s love is all about.”
Dungy was asked often how he was able to return to the Colts so quickly after a James’ death. James died on December 22nd, and Dungy returned to the team one week later. Dungy said the answer was simple. “People asked me, ‘How did you recover so quickly? I told them I am not totally recovered. I don’t know that I will ever be. It is still very, very painful, but I was able to come because of something one of my good Christian friends said to me after the funeral.” “He said, ‘You know James accepted Christ into his heart, so you know he’s in heaven, right?’ I said, ‘Right, I know that’ He said, ‘So, with all you know about heaven, if you had the power to bring him back now, would you?’ When I thought about it, I said, ‘No, I wouldn’t. I would not want him back with what I know about heaven.’
That’s what helped me through the grieving process. Because of Christ’s spirit in me, I had that confidence that James is there, at peace with the Lord, and I have the peace of mind in the midst of something that is very, very painful. That’s my prayer today, that everyone in this room would know the same.”
Written by John Oeshner. “NFL Insider”-Feb. 2006 at www.colts.com
This is a powerful message I received about the ex-football coach for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and current Super Bowl Champion head coach for the Indianapolis Colts, Tony Dungy. He is an amazing man and a wonderful inspiration for our society. His view on death is very similar to mine. I have never been totally devastated by someone dying. I always ask myself, “Why am I sad? I am truly a believer, I should be rejoicing.” Now don’t get me wrong. Death is difficult but it is only difficult for selfish reasons. You will miss that person in your life because of how they are not there any longer. You are not rejoicing because they are finally free and home. It still hurts though because you know they are gone from your life forever. Bitter sweet.
You deserve the ring Tony! You are an
inspiration and icon for masculinity!!!
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