"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
-Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
She grew up in the 50’s. A young black girl raised in the south. This period of time was already difficult to deal with due to her race and no person should have to be confronted with that ever. But it gets worse for her. She was attracted to women, and a believer in God. Torn by this she did not know where to turn. She feared for years the repercussions that she’d face the day she would come out and how her family would react. How her friends would treat her. What would her church think? What would her pastor think?
She covered it up as many do for years. Going out and dating boys to conceal her sexual preference. Then the day came when she had a tale of two fates. Her long-term boyfriend was pressuring her to have sex with her. She did not want to speak with her parents about the boyfriends desires for fear of what would happen and how they would look upon the boy. So she turned to her pastor in hopes he would be able to give her wise advice with a more understanding nature.
She was ready and in need of help. She sat down with him and began to open up the inner conflict she had been dealing with while dating this boy for the past year. He listened as many pastors do. He at first did not fully understand her conflict because she began by just telling him how the boy wants to have sex. Though this may be wrong, it is typically normal for boys at that age, well at any age I suppose. He at first praised her for resisting this temptation. Then he found out why she resisted. It was not because she did not want to have sex, but it was because she liked women. This put a whole new twist on the conversation and how he thought he could advise her.
Being any man in the role he was, he first reassured her that this problem could be beaten. That this demon inside was evil and he knew exactly what to do. So they together prayed, and then opened the bible to that famous passage, Leviticus 18:22. You know it. It is the one that says ‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.’
Then they prayed together some more.
Now I am a firm believer in prayer, inward reflection, meditation…all that. I am also a huge believer in knowing that prayer alone without action is dead…useless…so what action did this pastor advise her to take next?
He told her that what he has learned from the past to break this demon was for her to have sex with a man which would help reinforce the fact that it is good. That would somehow convince her that sex with women was wrong. To make it even worse, he said to not have sex with her boyfriend she was dating but rather suggested she have sex with him right then and there. She was shocked. She immediately got up from her chair in disbelief to leave the room and at that very moment the pastor grabbed her and attempted to force himself on to her. The deacons heard the scuffle going on and came running. By the time they got into the room it had already been trashed from the fury of resistance. The story was not believable to the deacons and because it is easier to remove a member of the church than the pastor, you can guess who stayed.
I heard this story yesterday on NPR and was horrified. This is only a small recap and have not been able to find it online. It is no wonder people are afraid of Christians when leaders do horrendous things to the very people asking for help.
Anyways, I thought I would share this story. We all have our battles and when someone comes to you in hopes to gain insight and help, the first thing we need to do is comfort and love them. The last thing they need to do is be abused mentally or physically. Being made feel worse for what they already feel bad about does no good to anyone. They are coming to you for help and that is usually after they already beat themselves up enough. Who are we to make anyone feel worse unless of course their actions have some sort of intrinsic value to your relationship or effect on your life. But even then, do your best to love and show grace. I am working on that myself. It can be hard when others lives impact yours. Be swift to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.
